The Trauma of not Belonging (and How to Heal as a Neurodivergent Person)
- Lila Low-Beinart
- May 7
- 8 min read
Part 2 of 6 of the Neurodivergent Trauma Series
The feeling of being an outsider, of speaking a different language, is more than a fleeting discomfort for many sensory neurodivergent individuals; it's a deeply ingrained experience, a constant undercurrent in a world that often feels out of sync. But what if this profound and persistent sense of not belonging isn't about you, but a fundamental wound, a form of trauma inflicted by society?
Before we dive into this crucial understanding, and the importance of true belonging as its antidote, let's first illuminate its deceptive counterpart: fitting in. Because untangling these two concepts is the vital first step in recognizing the deep impact of not belonging and why cultivating genuine connection is a vital need, not just a comforting ideal.
(To read more about the other 5 types of sensory neurodivergent trauma, see my previous blog post 6 Core Neurodivergent Traumas: Understanding Our Unique Wounds)
Belonging vs Fitting in
The ever brilliant Dr. Brené Brown defines belonging and fitting in in this way: Belonging is about being accepted for who you are, while fitting in is about being accepted for being like everyone else. In other words, belonging is about embracing your authentic self and finding a sense of connection without needing to change who you are, while fitting in is about conforming to external expectations to gain acceptance, often at the expense of authenticity.
In order to ‘fit in’, we have to hide and distort who we really are in order to try and 'make' people like us. For some people, especially neurodivergent people who mask, we can try to fit in so hard and for so long that we actually lose touch with our own authentic selves. I hear this from so many neurodivergent people - we have been masked for so long that we don’t even know, or may have never known, who we are underneath the mask.
“The opposite of belonging is fitting in” Dr. Brené Brown - 2019
In contrast, belonging can only be felt when we are true to ourselves. We can only belong if we feel that other people are experiencing our true, authentic selves, and still want to spend time with us. If we hide who we are, no matter how much others like us, we will know deep down that they are not actually liking ‘us’, but a facsimile of us that we’ve put on for their pleasure. As Brené Brown writes in her book Dare to Lead, “True belonging never asks us to change who we are.”
The Evolutionary Roots of Our Need to Belong
It’s important to understand that belonging is not just a wishy-washy concept that, in the end, doesn’t matter all that much. No. Belonging is a vital need for humans, to varying degrees, at all ages of our life.
In infancy, our nervous systems correlate the experience of belonging with getting our basic needs met. After all, if our parents and caregivers don’t feel we ‘belong’ with them, how do we know we will get our survival needs of water, food, and shelter met? As we move through childhood and adolescence, creating peer relationships is often vital for social, emotional, and cognitive development. As adults, feeling belonging results in increased mental and physical health, increased happiness, and resilience.
Throughout our lives, our genes and nervous systems have ingrained in us the need to belong to a 'tribe' to avoid the ancestral threat of abandonment and certain death. Indeed, this deep-seated need for belonging, ingrained from infancy, is the bedrock of our survival and flourishing.
The Trauma of Exclusion: When Belonging is Absent
The crucial role of belonging in human survival means that its absence evokes intense feelings of terror and a constant undercurrent of anxiety. If we define trauma as deeply distressing or harmful experiences with lasting negative impact, then experiencing a chronic lack of belonging fits this definition.
It is both deeply distressing, causing terror and anxiety, and harmful, impacting development with lasting effects. Therefore, given belonging's critical role in human survival, its chronic absence constitutes trauma, triggering profound terror and anxiety while inflicting lasting harm on our development.
A Lifetime of Misunderstanding: The Traumatic Impact on a Sense of Belonging
So, why do sensory neurodivergent people, and especially autistic people, have so much trauma around belonging? There’s a few reasons that I see.
In a nutshell, it’s because we often experience the world very differently from most people, leading us to feel fundamentally misunderstood and alone, and creating a deep-seated sense of otherness that can trigger primal fears of abandonment and internalize beliefs of being inherently wrong or broken. However, it is very important to emphasize that being misunderstood and feeling alone are not our fault.
The distinct way we experience and process the world often creates a chasm between us and those around us. Initially, this can manifest with our primary caregivers, parents, and teachers, who may not understand our reality. Such misunderstanding can arise from a lack of awareness or a failure to bridge the gap, even when acknowledged. The resulting impact on our formative years can be profound, causing deep pain and triggering a primal fear of abandonment, as our young nervous systems instinctively recognize that a lack of belonging threatens our basic needs.
Secondly, peer relationships can be a significant source of this trauma. When our differences are perceived negatively or deemed "wrong" by societal norms, others may react with discomfort, leading to conscious or unconscious exclusion, or even outright rejection. Over time, this can cultivate a deep-seated feeling of being disliked. The inability to form meaningful peer bonds can send a potent message of inherent defectiveness, leading to the internalization of a belief that we are broken – a hallmark of trauma.
We often experience the world very differently from most people, leading us to feel fundamentally misunderstood and alone. However, being misunderstood and feeling alone are not our fault.
Finally, even in situations where we are liked and accepted, the profound difference in our experience of the world can still lead to feelings of isolation and misunderstanding. This is particularly salient for multiply-gifted people. We might possess the cognitive abilities to form very effective masks in order to navigate neurotypical social situations, form friendships, and be well-regarded. However, the depth of our unique inner world may remain unseen by others, not because of malice, but because it falls outside their typical frame of reference.
In my experience, the most painful of these interactions is the profound disconnect when someone doesn’t even recognize that they aren’t grasping my experience or what I'm communicating. While the deliberate choice not to understand stings and clarifies a relationship's limits, the unawareness of a lack of understanding inflicts a far deeper wound. It fosters a sense of erasure, as if my very being lacks validation in the world.
Healing the Trauma of Not Belonging
Understanding the profound impact of not belonging is the first step. Now, let's explore the path toward trauma healing, reclaiming our sense of self, and accessing spaces where we can feel we belong.
The foundational step to heal the trauma of not belonging, especially for sensitive neurodivergent individuals, is to recognize that societal structures, like capitalism, often devalue our deep emotional, sensory, and existential experiences. These sensitivities are threatening to capitalism, because capitalism relies on the exploitation of humans and the natural world in order to enrich the capitalists.
This devaluing very often leads to internalizing blame for feeling different, also known as internalized ableism. The key is to actively counter this by reminding ourselves that our sensitivities are not flaws, but rather the world's limited perspective is the issue. Ways to internalize our worth include reading neurodiversity-affirming books that dismantle the pathology paradigm, attending therapy with someone who is neurodiversity-affirming, and building connections with others who understand and validate these experiences is crucial. (See the end of this post for some recommendations).
Affirming relationships are essential in healing the pain of being misunderstood and fostering a sense of belonging that the wider world may deny.
Once you have dismantled your internalized ableism enough to entertain connecting with others, the next step is to actively seek out and cultivate relationships with others who do understand your world, rather than repeatedly retraumatizing yourself by trying to force understanding from those who can’t. I’ll be blunt here, the people you connect with will much more likely than not also be sensory neurodivergent. While perfect understanding from another person is impossible, the resonance with fellow neurodivergent individuals can be significant enough to begin mending the deep-seated wound of chronic misunderstanding.
Furthermore, finding at least one person – and in my experience, often just one is enough – who deeply and genuinely gets your experience is vital. Someone you can turn to in moments of feeling unseen or misunderstood by others or the world, someone who can affirm your reality, both verbally and energetically, saying, "But I see you, I get you, there is nothing wrong with you; the disconnect lies with the world's limited perspective."
Finding these spaces where we can practice externalizing the blame we have placed on ourselves for so many years – whether it’s through a book, an online space, individual or group therapy, or a community center – allows us to gently dismantle the walls of internalized ableism, brick by painful brick, and begin to truly believe that our inherent worth is not diminished by a world that often fails to see our humanity. These affirming relationships are essential in healing the pain of being misunderstood and fostering a sense of belonging that the wider world may deny.
Wrapping up
The territory we’ve covered today might have evoked a range of feelings: pain, grief, rage, or perhaps a sense of relief. If you are experiencing intense emotions, I encourage you to pause and acknowledge them. Take that first (or 1000th) step to validating that your emotions are real, valid, and important. Let your body and nervous system know that you are worthy of being seen, of belonging, of experiencing genuine connection. You are not broken; perhaps, just perhaps, you are uniquely wonderful and simply need the reflection of another, even just one person, to recognize that there are places in this world that you belong.
And for those who are friends or caregivers to neurodivergent individuals, I implore you to initiate a direct conversation. I’ll even give you the words: "Do you feel like I understand what it's like to be you?" If the answer is no, or a nonverbal indication of the same, please respond with, "I want to understand. Please help me understand, and I will do my best to get it. I will keep working to understand your experience until, when I ask you that question in the future, you say 'mostly, yes'."
Belonging Resources
The Neurodiversity Community Center: The NCC offers a range of programs designed to support and engage people of all ages and interests. NCC also runs summer camps that give teens opportunities to explore their community, build friendships, and grow in a supportive setting. Check out their website to explore their offerings!
Young Adult Social Group @ NCC: Co-founded by Lila and run by the head of the NCC, this group provides a supportive environment for ND young adults to discuss deep topics, build friendships, and have fun.
When: Every other Wednesday from 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM
Where: 100 West Cleveland Street Lafayette, CO
Cost: $50 per session per attendee
Online Groups: Link to facebook groups of colorado neurodivergrent people
Books:
Empire of Normality: A deep look at the history of the neurodiversity movement and the rise of capitalism that transformed our understanding of the body into that of a productivity machine.
Neuroqueer Heresies: A collection of the shorter writings of Dr. Nick Walker on neurodiversity, autism, and Neuroqueer Theory, including 120 pages of brand-new material.
Therapy
Individual therapy with me (learn more here)
Group therapy with me (learn more here)
About Lila Low-Beinart
Lila is the founder of Divergent Paths Counseling, where she offers neurodiversity-affirming therapy and training. She specializes in working with autistic, ADHDer, and gifted/2e girls/women and gender expansive folxs, using contemplative, parts-work, and somatic approaches to support clients experiencing depression, executive dysfunction, trauma, and relationship difficulties.
Her trainings for mental health providers go beyond professional development, challenging the 'trance of normal' to foster deeper compassion and more effective support for neurodivergent clients. She also provides tailored workshops and speaking engagements to help organizations create neurodivergent-friendly environments.
To learn more about Lila and her therapy offerings and trainings, visit her website at DivergentPathsCounseling.com.
Comments